Hello world!

At my partner’s urging I started journalling almost a year ago. What I began in desperation has become more than a life raft to help me stay afloat on the fathomless sea of parenthood. It has become a powerful tool that has helped me delve the depths of my own soul. Soon after I began journaling I felt compelled to share what I was learning with those I loved, so I started a blog. However, I found I was actually quite ambivalent about it. On the one hand I did want to share my process with friends and family. On the other hand I quickly discovered that blogging is a vulnerable and impersonal means of communication. Plus, it can be pressure-filled and time consuming. And it feels shamelessly self-indulgent to boot. So I stalled. I have decided it is time to take the plunge. I am no more “ready” now than I was before, but I am more willing to take the risk anyway. So here goes, enjoy, and “hello world” indeed! Welcome to my blessed chaos!

This blog will cover many topics but will focus on Soul Searching, Parenting and Homeschooling with a little “Lifestyle” thrown in from time to time. To give you a quick overview of my general philosophies on these topics I will provide a sample of some of my previous journal entries…..

1. Soul Searching

“We grow because the clamorous, permanent presence of our children forces us to put their needs before ours. We grow because our love for our children urges us to change as nothing else in our lives has the power to do. We grow (if we’re willing to grow, that is: not every parent is willing) because being a parent helps us stop being a child.” ~Judith Viorst

That about says it. Parenting has been a tortuous but exhilerating opportunity for me to dig into my own issues. My children’s behavior is like my mirror – it illuminates everything about myself that I wish would stay hidden. And it has led to a rather intense spiritual transformation that I didn’t expect – a reworking of everything I thought I knew about the universe.

2. Parenting

Somehow I stumbled across this amazing post on another woman’s blog. It gracefully and powerfully captures my primary struggle as a parent: initiating my child into loss. No one explained how excrutiating that would be – or how absolutely essential. And no one explained the real hope that is possible when you are able to truly grieve. All my life I have avoided grief and conflict. I lived in fear of these things, constantly seeking some sort of miraculous escape – some perfect hope that eliminated all pain. As a result I lost myself, no longer able to accurately identify what I was experiencing, wasting my energies pursuing some ideal that never existed.

I have found there are two main approaches in our culture when it comes to teaching our children how to deal with pain: 1. suck it up!, 2. you poor poor thing! Everyday I struggle against the urge to feel sorry for my children. When I look towards their future I cannot help but see the loss, the hurt, the challenges that will greet them in this imperfect world. I realize this is somewhat ridiculous given their status in this culture. And there are moments when I want to tell them “get over it!” because their discomfort is inconvenient for me. But this woman has given voice to a third alternative that goes beyond balancing these two extremes to offer a truly new perspective.

3.Homeschooling

I love this blog entry entitled Letter From and Imperfect Homeschooler because nothing about my homeschooling journey has been perfect – or even organized. If parenting has taught me anything it is that life is not linear – it is organic, cyclical, it ebbs and flows. While I still cling to the idea of using loose “themes” for my homeschooling “curriculum,” I am fully aware that life doesn’t happen in themes and hope that I will be able to embrace the many diversions and interruptions that come our way. If my children learn anything from homeschooling I hope it is that life is full and rich and worth exploring. I certainly don’t want to pass on my OCD penchant for rigidity. Of course I realize that I will have to unlearn my OCD tendencies and figure out how to embrace the chaos of life if I have any hope of this happening. So I have a long and challenging journey ahead of me. And I hope my blog entries are honest about that journey – toward that end I want to participate in Magic and Mayhem’s “Full Disclosure” challenge. I also plan to take a rather loose, eclectic approach to homeschooling (that doesn’t mean I won’t plan like a crazy person) and our lives will hopefully take on a rhythmic feel much like the one mentioned in this blog entry.

On a practical level my inspiration for homeschooling comes from the general principles of RIE (ie. When you teach a child something, you take away forever his chance of discovering it for himself. – Jean Piaget), Waldorf education (the importance of daily rhythm), Charlotte Mason (focusing on short lessons, lots of books and outside time).

4. Lifestyle

I recently read an article on homesteading that inspired me. I am grateful for the women and families mentioned in this article. They are pioneers. I am not one of them – they are making sacrifices and taking risks that I am currently unwilling to. But I look to them as models. And I try in little ways to make my house a homestead. I recycle, compost and tend my own garden; I have learned to knit and make my own organic gluten-free food; I try to model contentment to my children by not always chasing self-medication through media and possessions and external stimulation. Right now these activities are hobbies: luxuries that I can participate in only because I am educated and wealthy – maybe one day they will evolve into a lifestyle. One of the main things I like about homesteading is that it is on such a small scale so I will strive to remember that Small Is Beautiful! I haven’t yet decided what my next career will be but I am certain it will need to be a lifestyle choice.